Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
