what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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