Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
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