I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
