Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
