finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
