By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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