just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
