we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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