he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
