Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize