I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
