Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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