dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
