Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize