Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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