you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
