you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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