your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
