Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
