FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize