I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
