I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
