I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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