I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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