could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize