you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
