My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
