I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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