...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This is the high leading the old right now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
