I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
