I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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