He is such a slut. More and more my type.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
