im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize