Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
