The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
