we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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