We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
