I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
