a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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