It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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