your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
