The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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