found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
