I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
