I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
