Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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