my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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