you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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