I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
