he puts the penis in happiness.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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