My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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