I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
