My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
