I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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