so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
