Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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