I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I will pee on everything he values.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize