It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize