The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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