were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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