I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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