broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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