Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
